First Words

I've sat down to write so many times. I have so much to say. So many thoughts that cross my mind. So many things I want to explain, so people understand what happened. I know people want to hear my story, but it's the hardest thing that I have ever told anyone. 

I have spent the last 5 weeks putting on this face, a fake one if you wish. One that leads everyone to believe that I'm fine, over it, moving on. It's the furthest thing from the truth. I have so many feelings and thoughts. So many tears that I hide. Why do I hide them? It's just easier sometimes. I don't ever want to play the "victim" or want anyone to walk on eggshells around me. I don't want anyone to walk away because I'm too fragile or they don't know what to say. I'm still me, I'm still here, I'm physically OK. I'm mentally all fucked up. 

Most people that know me know that I am a well oiled machine. I am a very OCD person who likes everything in a particular order. I have a routine for everything and I am the most organized person you will every meet. I remember everything, every date, every deadline, everything. That's now the old me. Yes, I still run on a routine and I try to be as organized as I can, but now I'm the most scatterbrained person. I forget things if I don't write them down. I'm missing deadlines, I can't remember when things have to be done and if I already did something. I'm an OCD person's nightmare and I'm beating myself up for it. For the last 5 weeks I've told myself to get it together, to be better and I'm trying but it's hard. 

In order to do this whole thing we call parenting and also being a Special Education teacher I have to have this thing called patience. It's gone, or at least I feel like it's gone. I'm short fused, short tempered, I get angry faster than normal and when I am mad, you and everyone around will know it. I like the old me better.

Sleep? Did someone say sleep? I don't do much of that either anymore. My hardest days are Sundays. As the clock gets closer to 10:05 my anxiety rises and from 10:05-10:18 I hold my breathe and relive everything. I have tried sleep aids and lotions, anything to help. Somedays it works, some days it doesn't. One the days that I do fall asleep, I usually wake up in the middle of a nightmare. I'm a walking zombie. 

I look on the outside that I have it all together. On the inside it's a whole different story. At least tonight I could write. Something that I've been trying to do for 5 weeks but my brain wouldn't let me fingers type until now...