Scared as Hell

Sit back, relax, enjoy winter break. 

That's what everything thinks I should be doing. That's what I should probably be doing, but I'm scared to death. Remember when my therapist told me that I hadn't begun to process what had happened to me. My body hadn't been able to grieve everything that I've been through. Yea, I'm scared to death that these next 2 weeks are going to be absolute hell for me. I cried on my way to work Friday morning because the place I go to "escape" from thinking about everything that's happened in the last 2 months is gone. No one will be there to help me escape. 

Now, this makes me sound like a horrible parent. I know what your thinking. Yes, I'm present when I am around my son. We play, cook, run errands, watch movies, and when I'm with him he is my happy. He is where I can breathe and step away from work and be mom and the best mom that I can be. 

It's those times, where every minutes was filled with homework and quickly making dinner, and giving him a shower before bed, that will take a step back. There is no rush to life for the next two weeks. No packing lunches before bed or making sure we have everything before school. No yelling, "Hurry and get your shoes on we are suppose to be in the car driving!" There is no rush, life will just be. 

This is what I'm terrified of. The extra "down time" that I will have where I can read things that I shouldn't be reading, watch things that I shouldn't be watching, thinking about things that I normally don't have time to think about. I sound like an absolute crazy person saying that I am scared of time, actual FREE time, I never have that time. I'm constantly on the go. So much my body starts to shut down from exhaustion. 

It's always been the hardest time of the year to be away from my family. It's time that I wish that I could snap my fingers and bae with them everyday, but I can't. My house is exactly 1,607 miles from the place that I call home. 

This will be the first Christmas that my family will spend not at my Grandparent's house. The first Christmas that my grandma will be watching down on us instead of being with us. I keep waiting for her Christmas card and I have to remind myself that it isn't coming. Every year that I've lived in Las Vegas her presents were the only ones under the tree until Christmas morning. Not this year... 

I'm going to try to do my best to not let my head get the best of me. Try to be as present as I possibly can and surround myself with as many positive people as I can. This will be the hardest 2 weeks out of the last 2 months. I'm seriously just scared.