Actually I have a friend that still goes to a therapist from being overseas at War. He stood at my Grandma's funeral and told me that I saw more than he ever saw during war. I went through more than he did overseas fighting for our country, and still we are traumatized just the same. We will live with the same fears. I never thought that I would put myself even in the same PTSD category as a person in the military.
What people don't understand is that my body is constantly under stress and on high alert, at all times, even at home. I try only to take the supplements my body needs to calm itself down when absolutely necessary. When I can't get my body to relax and know it's safe. I'm safe. Nothing is happening to me, my safety or the safety of anyone around me.
When you think about the 22,000 people that were there that night, I can only image what you think, how much did you really see; you couldn't have really been that close. That blue X is where I was, were I laid with my friends and a stranger on top of me, shielding me from the bullets that rained down around me. I jumped over body 11 and ran past body 9 and body 10. When exiting the venue I sprinted past body 19, went around body 20 and once out onto the street I ran past bodies 25, 26, and 27. I saw a lot of fucked up shit. This doesn't count the amount of blood, bullet wounds, screams, broken limbs, people doing CPR, the crying, wounded, and heroes trying to help.
I do as much as I can to keep my head clear but it's just not as easy as "trying to forget" or "not living in fear." This world is scary in general, let alone for someone that suffers as much as I do. My therapist has told me numerous times that I can't watch my favorite TV shows, not yet. I have to "listen to my body" Sometimes I watch them anyway because I think I'm ready, WRONG. Sometimes they don't effect me and I'm fine. Depends on the day. Songs to the same thing, I could be in my car listening to the radio fine, then I'm bawling trying to turn the radio station as quickly as possible.
I do everything I can to get a good nights sleep. Most nights, it doesn't matter I wake up, terrified, dripping in sweat having a panic attack from nightmares, sometimes night terrors which I don't remember my dreams. When I do remember it's someone dying, I'm running to save someone or running from someone, there is always a gun, and blood. It takes me a while to go back to sleep and I never know if the dream will continue or be a different one with the same effects. Sleeping is the hardest part.
Panic Attacks, they happen more than you think. I've had one attack at school. Thankfully my aids knew what was happened and acted accordingly. I knew I couldn't let it win, and after a while I pulled myself together with lots of support from my friends. They can happen when I'm anywhere I don't feel safe. I've always been the mom that wants my child right beside me in public places. I worry now more than ever and I panic when he get's to far away, it's ridiculous. I'm constantly frustrated "hold the cart, get back here, come here NOW"
Anxiety is through the roof. I'm constantly scoping out all situations. I get very uncomfortable in a lot of different situations. I don't like crowds, I'm afraid I can't get out. Facebook posts about that night or gun violence give me anxiety. I have hidden and unfollowed so many people, groups, and pages on social people it's a wonder I can see anything anymore. I have anxiety in public, ALL PUBLIC PLACES. I have anxiety at my house when it gets dark, especially the later it gets. My body never stops being anxious, not even when I'm sleeping.
I need an Exit Route no matter where I am. Target, Trader Joes, Dinner, anywhere and everywhere. I have to know where the exit is and the fastest way to get there. I also need alternative routes incase I can get there. It's ridiculous, but I can tell you were all exits are in most of the common places I go. I even need an exit route at my house, the one place I'm suppose to feel safe.
Sounds are terrifying. I have fallen to the ground covering my head on occasions in the last few months. I'll never forget falling to the floor in my kitchen with my little one on the couch because the valentines heart on my front door was hitting the door from the wind. I didn't know what it was, where it was coming from, I just knew what it sounded like and I cried, I was scared in my own home for something so stupid. Sounds at work are hard, my kids scream in frustration. They bang things in frustration. I have to know what the sound is immediately. When the big kids play soccer against my wall and I panic, they now know not to hit my wall with the soccer ball EVER again. The sounds of paintball guns when I take my son to soccer. I have to prep myself when we get there and before we leave. The clang of pans in a restaurant, the crying babies in public. All the sounds are scary.
PTSD is scary...
I might look fine, like I had a good nights sleep, like I'm happy but inside I'm a mess 90% of the time. Day's get better, and yes sometimes I can take my mind off of the anxiety that I now live with, but it's hard. Every single day is hard. Harder than I ever imagined. So please don't tell me not to live in fear, because I'm trying not too. Don't tell me to forget, because I never will. This is my life, I'm dealing with it the best I can, learning to strategies and ways to cope with my feelings.
The one thing I do ask more than anything is to NOT walk on egg shells around me. I need you to live your life as normal as possible, especially around me. Nothing in my life is normal anymore, so the one thing that I want to be normal, is the relationships that I had with people before that night. I don't need your sympathy, or condolences, I just want a normal conversation. I can deal with it and sometimes I might need your reassurance that I'm safe and OK but just be normal. For me, the people in my life are the only thing that's still normal and I'm OK with that.
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